ASK GRIZZLY - Dining Alone When You Are Single

 

ASK GRIZZLY GUS

A COMMONSENSE ADVICE COLUMN

‘The Art of Dining Alone'

Dining alone, seems to be especially challenging for me being single, unless it’s a place that serves the food on a tray or has a drive-thru. My idea of ‘getting dressed for dinner,’ means putting on underwear before I sit down to the kitchen table. Fed-up with Soup-for-One, and Hungry-Man dinners that never fills up this ‘hungry man,’ I decided it was time I enjoyed a finer bill of fare in a more formal dining atmosphere, even if it means … going it alone. 
          Looking for a classy place, I was pleased to see the restaurant I chose had a dress code. The sign read, ‘No shirt, No Shoes, No Service.’ I assumed it specialized in southern cuisine because it also stated, ‘No teeth - No problem.’
           The hostess greeted me, “How many in your party?”
          “Just one,” I mumble.
         “Will that be sulking or non-sulking?” Have you ever noticed when you are by yourself you don’t get the cozy booth in the corner, but the one right in the middle of the room, under the spotlight with a neon light overhead flashing - Loser, Loser, Loser. This place was fancy because they had cloth napkins that were so stiff, I had to blow my nose into my ball cap. They were sure serious about the silverware because they had extra knives, forks, and spoons, all lined up next to my plate, which was a good thing. Since I was a bit out of practice and kept dropping them under the table. Everyone there was with ‘someone’ and they were all talking about me. After I rearranged my silverware, read the menu, cleaned my ears with a fork, clipped my fingernails, and stared blankly off into space … forever, my waitress finally appeared.
         “Hello, my name is Susie. I'll be the only woman talking to you this evening, but there's no way in hell we’ll be going home together ... ever … so you can stop looking at me like I just hopped off the dessert cart.”
          “You'll have to excuse me,” I apologized, “I've never done this before.”
         Susie laughed, “You can stop gripping the table; your knuckles are turning white. Don't worry I’m a professional server; I've never lost a customer yet. However, once you leave the premises, you’re on your own. Did you know you’re safer eating here then you would be driving down the expressway at seventy miles per hour, trying to steer with your knees while eating a Big Mac in one hand, holding a bag of super-sized fries in the other, and cradling an ice-cold cup of Coke in your crotch? Judging by your girth, Chuckles, I'd say you've done that more than once. Am I right?” I nodded. “Since there is no chance anyone will be joining you this evening, I'll quickly remove the rest of these place settings, so you won't get your hopes up. Please place the napkin in your lap and remain seated until your plate comes to a full stop. Thank you for dining with us tonight. Why don’t you sink your teeth into a hot-buttered-bun, while you wait endlessly for your food."
          Just when I was about to slip into a self-induced coma, the food arrived: Porterhouse steak, baked potato with butter, chives, and loaded with everything they could sweep up off the kitchen floor; a house salad, and steamed broccoli, which must have been added for decoration. It certainly was a nice change from Beanie Weenies, but as I sat there counting each bite, I couldn't help thinking that it would have tasted better if there had been someone sitting across the table. I continue to dine alone when the occasion demands, but now I bring my own set of crayons so I can color the placemat while I'm waiting. One day I hope to have my own showing.

Signed, Grizzly 'out-to-lunch' Gus

Ask Grizzly is written by Gustaf Alford Grizzard and was created a ways back. - write Grizzly if you want advice or are just lonely. Contact www.mdavidlutz.com; Email:grizzlyggus@outlook.com; http://Facebook.com/grizzlyggus

DISCLAIMER: The opinions and comments expressed by Grizzly Gus, are not necessarily those of management. As far as management is concerned, if the State Board of Mental Health saw fit to release him, then let them be responsible. Do not write to Grizzly if you are experiencing really serious problems but seek professional help. Grizzly Gus holds no certifications or training. He is not even qualified to ‘speak’ to anyone, much less give advice: even his poetic license was revoked.