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A COMMONSENSE ADVICE COLUMN
‘How to Prepare Thanksgiving Dinner’
The very first and most important tip for preparing Thanksgiving Dinner is - to avoid having to cook dinner for a bunch of free-loading friends and relatives in the first place. Give them directions to the nearest ‘Golden Corral.’ I hear they have a tuna casserole to die for - some may already have. If you must give your loved ones the bird, you need to decide on a fresh or frozen fowl. A fresh turkey should be kept in the backyard because you don’t want turkey droppings all over the house when having company. Unless you plan on cutting off that sucker’s head yourself, you need to find a pilgrim somewhere. Vegetarians say it is hypocritical to eat something you’re not willing to kill. Vegetarians should shut up and realize no one likes them. While I would be willing to kill them – I would have serious qualms about eating them: so, for now, they are safe. One more comment for Vegetarians – not eating meat is NOT an accomplishment. (Note: If I have offended any Vegetarians out there, please let me know, since that IS an accomplishment for me).
Best to go with the frozen fowl, you don’t need some turkey running around like a chicken-with-its-head-cut-off. Also, you don’t want the kids thinking it was the family pet and you become Jack Nicholson, in ‘The Shining,’ chasing after it with an ax. The poor little tykes would be in therapy until their forties.
According to the USDA, ‘it is safe to cook a turkey in a frozen state. That is fine for everyone living in Alaska, but what about the rest of us? USDA suggests two ways to thaw a turkey; keep it in the refrigerator for a month or soak it in the bathtub, which would be okay since I wasn’t figuring on bathing before Thanksgiving anyhow. There are other ways to thaw a turkey USDA never mentioned and would probably never recommend. You can use a hairdryer for six hours or a blow torch for six minutes. My preference is to curl up in bed under an electric blanket with my little Butterball. It would seem like old times with my frigid ex-wife. Not only will it be thawed by morning, but I can tell my guests I prepared an intimate dinner for them. Figure on a half-pound of turkey per person, unless it is one of my relatives; then figure on a pound of turkey, a pound of mashed potatoes, a pound of stuffing, a pound of yams, and a quart of gravy - each time they each pass through the buffet line. My kinfolks are so fat – a family portrait has to be taken by satellite. They claim they’re watching their weight. How hard can that be when their stomachs stick out three feet in front of them? What I’d like to see them do is watch their feet!
Tuck the turkey’s wing tips under its shoulders for more even cooking. This is referred to as Akimbo - named after the famous Japanese Sumo wrestler who had big breasts and tiny little arms. Cram all the stuffing up the turkey’s butt that has been surgically removed. That reminds me of my recent hemorrhoid operation … I suppose in good taste will have to wait until another time. Add a half-cup of water to the bottom of the pan. Before you place a tent of aluminum foil over the turkey - cover its breasts with an ample amount of butter - gently, slowly, sensually massaging, and caressing until you’re tossed out of the kitchen - so you can watch the football game with the rest of the guys. Warning: Unless you drive a pick-up, own a hound dog, wear sleeveless shirts, and are well liquored up, you have NO BUSINESS trying to deep fry a fifty-pound turkey in a washtub filled with superheated corn oil on your back porch. Roast your turkey in the oven the way our pious pilgrimed forefathers did. When the turkey’s temperature reaches 165 degrees, it is ready. Set it on the table for twenty minutes which should be enough time to allow the juices and the arguments (as to whom will do the carving) to settle. Lastly remember for goodness’ sake, Billy gets a drumstick because he called it the minute, he walked through the door YESTERDAY and has been reminding everyone EVERY FIVE MINUTES afterward! Happy Thanksgiving
DISCLAIMER: The opinions and comments expressed by Grizzly Gus, are not necessarily those of management. As far as management is concerned, if the State Board of Mental Health saw fit to release him, then let them be responsible. Do not write to Grizzly if you are experiencing really serious problems but seek professional help. Grizzly Gus holds no certifications or training. He is not even qualified to ‘speak’ to anyone, much less give advice: even his poetic license was revoked.