ASK GRIZZLY GUS
A COMMONSENSE ADVICE
COLUMN
The very first and most important tip for preparing Thanksgiving Dinner is - to avoid having to cook dinner for a bunch of free-loading friends and relatives in the first place. Give them directions to the nearest ‘Golden Corral.’ I hear they have a tuna casserole to die for - some may already have. If you must give your loved ones the bird, you need to decide on a fresh or frozen fowl. A fresh turkey should be kept in the backyard because you don’t want turkey droppings all over the house when having company. Unless you plan on cutting off that sucker’s head yourself, you need to find a pilgrim somewhere. Vegetarians say it is hypocritical to eat something you’re not willing to kill. Vegetarians should shut up and realize no one likes them. While I would be willing to kill them – I would have serious qualms about eating them: so, for now, they are safe. One more comment for Vegetarians – not eating meat is NOT an accomplishment. (Note: If I have offended any Vegetarians out there, please let me know, since that IS an accomplishment for me).
Best to go with the frozen fowl, you don’t
need some turkey running around like a chicken-with-its-head-cut-off. Also, you
don’t want the kids thinking it was the family pet and you become Jack Nicholson,
in ‘The Shining,’ chasing after it with an ax. The poor little tykes would
be in therapy until their forties.
According to the USDA, ‘it is safe to cook
a turkey in a frozen state. That is fine for everyone living in Alaska, but
what about the rest of us? USDA suggests two ways to thaw a turkey; keep it in
the refrigerator for a month or soak it in the bathtub, which would be okay since
I wasn’t figuring on bathing before Thanksgiving anyhow. There are other ways to
thaw a turkey USDA never mentioned and would probably never recommend. You can
use a hairdryer for six hours or a blow torch for six minutes. My preference is
to curl up in bed under an electric blanket with my little Butterball. It
would seem like old times with my frigid ex-wife. Not only will it be thawed by
morning, but I can tell my guests I prepared an intimate dinner for them.
Figure on a half-pound of turkey per person, unless it is one of my relatives;
then figure on a pound of turkey, a pound of mashed potatoes, a pound of
stuffing, a pound of yams, and a quart of gravy - each time they each pass
through the buffet line. My kinfolks are so fat – a family portrait has to be
taken by satellite. They claim they’re watching their weight. How hard can that
be when their stomachs stick out three feet in front of them? What I’d like to
see them do is watch their feet!
Tuck the turkey’s wing tips under its
shoulders for more even cooking. This is referred to as Akimbo - named
after the famous Japanese Sumo wrestler who had big breasts and tiny little
arms. Cram all the stuffing up the turkey’s butt that has been surgically
removed. That reminds me of my recent hemorrhoid operation … I suppose in good
taste will have to wait until another time. Add a half-cup of water to the
bottom of the pan. Before you place a tent of aluminum foil over the turkey -
cover its breasts with an ample amount of butter - gently, slowly, sensually massaging,
and caressing until you’re tossed out of the kitchen - so you can watch the
football game with the rest of the guys. Warning: Unless you drive a pick-up,
own a hound dog, wear sleeveless shirts, and are well liquored up, you have NO
BUSINESS trying to deep fry a fifty-pound turkey in a washtub filled with
superheated corn oil on your back porch. Roast your turkey in the oven the way
our pious pilgrimed forefathers did. When the turkey’s temperature reaches 165
degrees, it is ready. Set it on the table for twenty minutes which should be
enough time to allow the juices and the arguments (as to whom will do the
carving) to settle. Lastly remember for goodness’ sake, Billy gets a drumstick
because he called it the minute, he walked through the door YESTERDAY and has
been reminding everyone EVERY FIVE MINUTES afterward! Happy Thanksgiving
DISCLAIMER: The opinions and comments expressed by Grizzly
Gus, are not necessarily those of management. As far as management is
concerned, if the State Board of Mental Health saw fit to release him, then let
them be responsible. Do not write to Grizzly if you are experiencing really
serious problems but seek professional help. Grizzly Gus holds no
certifications or training. He is not even qualified to ‘speak’ to anyone, much
less give advice: even his poetic license was revoked.
No comments:
Post a Comment